Playing Make-Believe.

When I find myself at odds with my present situation, whatever it may be, I tend to push aside whatever I can't fix and I imagine something better. I've always done this to cope with problems I can't control, and it has gotten me quietly through a few hurricanes, as well as helped me visualize a life I hope to build for myself.

As a twelve-year-old, confused with my body and own strength, I would lay down on the floor, close my eyes, and picture myself in my mid-thirties, bright, strong-jawed, and directing my own company. Down to the buckle of my briefcase, I would imagine all the small pieces of my life and take solace in the thought that, one day, I could get there. In boot camp, I used to stand in line for chow with my eyes straight ahead while imagining waking up with the sun on a house boat, stretching over the stern with a cup of tea, practicing ballet in white socks and my hair tied up, happy and weaving with the Pacific tide. And now, with Gabriel and I sitting snug in a small basement bedroom, I've been putting together my dream home.

While I know that dreaming is just that - dreaming - I think it's a very important step in realizing where you want to go and who you want to become. Realizing that a home near a forest is important to me has opened up so many new ideas for me... few of which may ever see the light of day, but they keep things light when I start feeling a bit heavy.

The way I picture it, I'd love a house with a big kitchen, an entire windowed-wall facing East, where we can see the kitchen garden and the kids playing, maple cabinets, and a pot-belly stove near a large, friendly table. I would love a leaf green family library, with open space for art projects and painted masks on the walls. And a nursery with floor-to-ceiling windows, so that the baby can look out into the backyard and see everything that goes on in the world. There would be a place for pumpkins to grow outside, and a dinner bell outside the door. Maybe the whole place is plotted right against an aspen grove, or a small creek. We could paper the walls with antique patterns or paint them with our bare hands. I love, love, love imagining living in a home where Gabriel can explore more than neighbors' homes, where we can have room to stretch out and create, where there is possibility for new ideas, discoveries, life...

We're a long way from anything of the sort, but it never hurts to make believe.

Leaf-laying.

Remembering a Childhood.

Sometimes, it feels like everywhere I look, I'm reminded of being a child. Syrupy sunsets; scuffed-up toys that still smell like sweet, old plastic; birds' nests made of grass; dusty, forgotten books about dragons and horses; the scent of cold pine trees (which I used to lovingly call the smell of "porcupine dust"); the feel of cement under bare feet... they all bring me back to my childhood. I can still remember broken Christmas ornaments, Valentine cards I received in Elementary school, the way a friend's house used to smell at dinner time; I know Gabriel is already forging connections with things all around him.

Having a child of my own, I've become very aware of the things in his life whose imprints he may keep with him forever. As a nester through and through, I'm aways thinking of the things in our home and life. We are both lucky enough to be surrounded by relics, not only from my past, but from the past of my parents and their parents before them, making it hard to forget where we truly come from.

I try to keep our living space clean, manageable, beautiful, and comfortable. Although I enjoy building us up a dwelling with things that speak to us and keep us entertained, I hope, more than anything, that our home today feels like as much of a safe-haven, treasure trove, and an entire world to explore as my home did when I was young.

Spooks.

Autumn is here... Sadly, many of the trees aren't turning in their usual, slow, beautiful style, but the skies have been brilliant enough to make up for it. This Halloween has brought us a few new seasonal toys (fake spiders mostly - ergh!) that we both enjoy playing with and soaking in. The fun of costume-building has really returned to the house now that Gabriel is old enough to wear more and understand more. This year, he'll be a whip-toting, snake-fearing Indiana Jones in honor of his late, great-grandfather (who I've always, always connected with Indie for his choice in hats and overall arrogant, adventurous demeanor).

We've been so busy with stealing up the last of the warm days, studying, family affairs, and overcoming a very severe first illness (stomach virus be damned!) that I've almost forgotten to shake with excitement for all the upcoming holidays. Halloween definitely won't take us by surprise this year, however- we've been ready and waiting for about a month now. Gabriel has learned about skeletons, witches, vampires (he grabs his neck and points to my very fang-like canines whenever I mention them), and ghosts and is well-versed in trying to scare anybody that walks in the room with a sharp, "Boo!" Ah, let the spookiness begin!